A Loser in Love…
Ramblings and other blah, blah, blahs…part 2
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…You are entering jaren’s mind…tread with caution!!! Sanity is just a phone call away
Girls give you headache, but they are also the cure…
Girls I hate them, but I can’t live without them…
After years of being with them, here’s what I found out…
Arrrgh!!! Who am I kidding it’s still a blank slate I can’t think of anything.
I played with them, fought with them, teased them, courted them, loved them…
Still it’s a mystery I can’t seem to put my mind to rest when I think about it.
They understand me but why can’t I???
Does it take a special kind of skill or talent to decipher their moods, body language?
I don’t know that’s what I’m here to find out…
For 9 years and counting, there is this girl that had always mystified my mind, I’ve loved her since the first time I saw her and until now I can’t seem to get her out of my mind.
The first time I saw her she wore glasses that made her look weird and she has this curly hair that I always wanted to brush with my hands.
I’ve always been fascinated by the way she talks, walks, smiles, and just stand there and look cute without trying very hard.
I always have trouble with women they make me nervous…women reach the state of perfection without even trying; even though they have their flaws but it tends to be covered up as if I’m locked in a hypnotic trance.
From the nerdy type that I remembered when we were in high school to a pretty young lady that she is now…
I’m an idiot compared to her…
I can’t seem to think of anything but her…
My palms sweat and words always seem to come out in gibberish form, it’s disrupting my everyday life but it’s worth it…
I’m willing to wait and do whatever she wants me to do, I can be her lover, her bestfriend, everything that I can do I’d do it for her…
I don’t want to be lonely it’s difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed when things don’t go the way I planned it…
I can’t end the day without calling her…
If didn’t call her my night would suck because I didn’t hear her voice, and if my night sucked…
No amount of coffee can make me feel better and the next day would suck too…
but if I do call her, I’d smile all night till the next day, everything seems brighter and full of wonderful colors and when I talk to her, the smell of fragrant flowers surrounds me and when I look at the sky I see a rainbow and butterflies flutter by and by…
When I look at her, my day is complete; nothing can ruin my day a strange wave of energy flows within me that makes my heart sing and muscles weak at the same time bwahahaha!!!!!!!…
All the time, all day, all I do is daydream about her…
Well what could this be??? I love her!!!
That’s it…
End of story, I know it’s cheesy but I love her…
But what can I give to the girl who has everything? Help please!! I don’t know what to do…
Coffee!!!!!! I need coffee!!!!!!!
I want to laugh and cry at the same time, it sucks but that’s the way it should be “survival of the fittest”… Bwahahaha!!! a sudden change of events she called me “ADORABLE” and “Intelligent” like a walking computer and now I’m writing about I can’t believe my ears… was I dreaming or not???
Well I guess not,… slowly but surely I just move a notch higher because at -1000, now I’m at -999 ranking…nice she thanked me for helping her…my pleasure…
Continuation of the epic saga of loser in love…
I can’t think straight…why??
I’m sleepy… why???
I’m hungry…why??
I feel shitty and depressed at the same time…
I want to drink some beer and smoke some cigs I want to get wasted…
So I won’t feel the pain—the pain of longing and waiting for the love of someone that is not in love with you…
I don’t know…
I don’t want to go back to the hell I’ve experience when I quit drinking and smoking…
So maybe it’s a bad idea to get wasted…
I’d just ride it out and accept the pain, which always comes with love…
”all is fair in love and war”???? Bullshit!!???!!!??!!
Bacon and ham, shawarma and balot… why do always think of her?? Aside from food, of course…tapsilog, siopao, siomai, pizza, barbeque, calamares, sisig, porkchop, beefsteak, tocino, kare-kare, cheesedog, burrito, fajita…food!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!….one mistake and you pay for it for eternity…fortunate accidents, lucky discoveries, stupid quests, plans for world domination that some boys won’t grow out of…how can something not happening be a sign… the absence of sign is a sign…if you want to improve be content to be thought foolish and stupid…I have dragons to slay and princesses to rescue but I still need to run my own race and fight my own wars and make my own obituary, the quest for world domination is at hand…what’s going on in my mind… I can’t explain. With thoughts of “if I were this”, “if I were that” crap, who cares, I’m not myself lately, and I just do what I feel and act what I do… I can’t stop thinking of her even when I try not to think about her. Ohhhh this sucks… my head hurts but in a good way… headaches and migraines are a gift…I’d just take a pill and pop it in my mouth and boom… a dreamless sleep thanks to a crazy pill…ahhhhhhh!!! It’s disrupting my everyday life, everywhere I go, I always see something that would remind of her… and when I sleep, I always dream about her… I’m losing my mind or not… I like what I’m feeling; I haven’t felt this way for a long time. When’s gonna be my time? My dreams are full of her…only in dreams can I hold her and call her my own. I wish I can call her mine and she can call me hers…I love her I can’t think of any other reason,, I forgot to take a bath, I can’t eat properly, it’s very hard to concentrate, and things that I enjoy doing seem boring, food doesn’t taste good…Bwahahaha!!! I’m in love…
Good things come to those who wait… yesterday was one of the most happiest days of my life, I’m with her even for a short period in time my day was complete standing close to her, I wanted to hug her, hold her close to my heart, but I’m afraid she might walk away… but what is this I’m feeling, she held my hand, I’m praying that she wouldn’t let go…please don’t let go… I love you can’t you see…
Is it hard to understand, is it hard to love someone, and is it hard?? Is it??
Can I be a little bit optimist?? Sure… I’m always an optimist, but experience has taught me that wishful thinking always leads to disappointment! …solving her problems creates more problems for me??? Huh??? All I can think of are happy moments but she’ll never know the pain I’m going through in what she put me through. Why do I feel sad? Why do I feel depressed? Why am I lonely? I was always alone… riding the pain all by myself, nobody to care for, but now all I can think of is her…Bwahahahahaha!!! Why does this always happen to me? I can’t blame her, I can’t even blame myself… well, I guess what goes around comes around, at this point in time I’m eating dirt but pretty soon , I will walk on the top too. It’s only a matter of time till I recover… but for now I guess what I need to do is cry…cry alone…cry where nobody sees me…no one can help me…money can’t solve my problems but I guess crying does…but wait and see… there’s something in her that calms me down.
She’s like gravity- everything gets pulled closer to her… just like me I’m attracted to her like a moth to a flame… girls aren’t meant to be tamed, you can’t treat them like a thing and expect them to be good to you… you have to win their affection, capture their attention and make them fall in love with you. Tragic love or strange love—a love that can never be… it’s only in my mind and only in my dreams… how sad!!! Now I’m afraid to face reality, I like living in my dreams. Maybe it’s cool, maybe it’s sad or maybe it’s bad that we’re not together… I can’t eat and I can’t sleep, I’m so damn tired because I’m so hung up on you, I hang out in my room and I just think of you… so maybe it’s good but often it’s not but still it’s a shame we’re not together…
Being alone all these years… I never competed with anyone and now I don’t have to pay attention to the competition, the one that I need to beat is myself…
January 26th, 2006 at 7:59 am
yeah???